Mamma Said
There would be
I have had better weeks; this week has been emotionally and physically draining on me and I look forward to it being over with.
I had gone to my gynecologist two months ago for a pap smear, the first time in 2 or so years (I use to go yearly but stopped doing so after my son was born), and it came back with my first ever abnormal pap. They scheduled me to get further checked on Wednesday the 10th. And that Wednesday things started out bad as soon as I got there and it just continued down hill from there.
I hate to admit this, being that it is a tad bit embarrassing, but I have had a shy bladder for as long as I can remember. I can’t pee in small restrooms when someone is in the next stall in me. And I can’t pee when it is needed of me, not even a little tinkle. I usually drink a bunch of water before I go so there isn’t a problem squeezing a few drops out of me. I hadn’t know I would need to pee in a cup so I was not prepared. It didn’t help that I had just gone to the bathroom before I got there. So I gulp down water like it is going out of style and wait, and pace, and try to press on my bladder through my stomach, and jump up and down (and almost get caught doing this silly pee dance), and cursing at myself all the while. Thirty minutes later with my face red with embarrassment and my head hung low in shame I hand the nurse my cup with 4 or so measly drops of urine in it.
Then she weighs me (do not wanna know thankyouverymuch) and has me sign a piece of paper for the procedure they are about to preform. “PROCEDURE?!” I scream in my head, I didn’t know this was going to be some kind of procedure! And panic mode seizes upon me all the while trying to not let it show. So she leads me into the room and leaves me to my own devices while I wait and wait and wait for the doctor to come, all the while trying not to look at all the torture devices that were in the room.
So she finally comes in, has me get in that god awful awkward position and I just lay there trying to think of little babies and puppy dog tails, anything to keep my mind off what was going on down there. It was uncomfortable and I feel pressure and I feel a sharp little pinch as she snips a piece of me to biopsy but thankfully it all ends rather quickly.
I get up and the weight of all that has just happened makes me lightheaded and heat radiates through my head while my body gets really cold, this is what it feels like right before I pass out (but thankfully it never gets that far). So I lay there for awhile, trying to make the feeling go away. After a few minutes I sit up and feel decent enough to to get up and check out. What can I say, I am a big baby.
I sit in my car and the cramping starts and I just sit there trying to gather my wits wherein I then drive to work and pretend like I feel good which I don’t pull off too well. It doesn’t help that once more I am sick, after just getting over being sick from last week. All this week I have had coughing fits and an overall feeling of complete crap. I just wanna go to bed and sleep there for days straight. Add on to that I have been having problem with my legs. Both of my thighs have been in so much tense pain. I could barely walk, go upstairs, let alone sit down. I attribute this to being in such an awkward position Wednesday adding strain to my legs.
And my thoughts are often with my son. My precious little boy will be gone away from me for five whole days and two half days. For my son will be flying with his grandfather (his caregiver during the day) and his grandma to Las Vegas where my mother inlaw has a business conference. The longest I have been away from him is three days and by the third day I was missing my son sorely. How can I handle five days then?! Often you will find me crying thinking of how much I am going to miss him.
Friday night it all become too much and I broke down and cried. Husband gave me a muscle relaxer and a half of his and at 9 o’clock I went to bed. I slept from 9 till 8 the next morning, only waking up one time to go to the bathroom and falling back instantly asleep. That was the most restful sleep I have had in years, literally. And so here it is Sunday and physically I still feel sick but emotionally I am doing much better. Just trying not to think and worry about what the results for the procedure will be when I found out later next week and about my son leaving next Saturday morning.
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